Shake, Rattle, and more shakes.

Jerry Garcia and I only have one thing in common. Even from the grave a dead person can still have something in common with another person. It's true. I've done the research. Julie Andrews may have the same flat feet as Harpo Marx. Paul Weller might have, say, the same love of hangnails as Ernest Hemingway. Paris Hilton could be walking around with the same unsightly tongue mole that plagued Audrey Hepburn. It happens. Does that make the living doppelgangers for the dead? Maybe. Does my chocolate shake addiction, the thing I have in common with Jerry Garcia, make me likelier to wear black T-shirts as a force of habit and grow a groovy beard? No. But the addiction may kill me. Not as slow-fast-slow as heroin but it may give me the betes and no one wants that.

The Queen City Roller staff was sent out across the region to recon various shake making establishments and to report back with their findings. Your humble editor graciously agreed to accompany staff on their trips to various chocolate shake making huts to provide an unbiased second opinion. Here are the results. Remember, only chocolate shakes were served because that's all Jerry Garcia liked. And the editor too.

Steak n' Shake - With an "n" in your name, how can you not suck? Yuck. Yuck Yuck. Steak n' Shake shakes are awful. They have the taste of really cheap chocolate syrup, like government cheese chocolate syrup and sometimes, malt gets mixed in with the shake. The worst part about Steak n' Shake shakes besides the taste is the terrible value of their to-go cups. For just under $4 you get a plastic cup that tapers just under the lip making it just a few ounces bigger than a small. One time, in desperation, I ordered a large shake. The soda jerk made me a small. "I ordered a large," I said. He then took the small and poured it into a large cup! Can you believe it? Jerk.

All fast food shakes - suck. The value is bad and they're all made too fast to care. Only Hardee's uses the hand dipped method but their size to value ratio is the pits. And, all the shakes taste the same. Shitty. Oh, and don't skimp on shaky goodness by letting them top the things off with whipped cream. It's a trick used by the big coffee chains to rip you off. I mean, you want more frappy coffee goodness, not whipped fucking cream. If you were to get a Slurpee you wouldn't stop before the top and then add a bunch of white stuff? No! You would fill it up so even the dome was packed. That's the way you do it.

Andy's - tastes like a Wendy's Frosty and it's $4 more. Bad deal. Buy the Frosty and don't call it a shake. I will add that I bet Andy's uses better ingredients.

Braum's = awesome! 4.9 stars out of 5. Braum's shakes are huge, no tapered cups, no whipped cream. These shakes are brimming with cool goodness and the staff, who see you drive up every day, have the courage to call you by your first name. You're a regular. You're their hero. Braum's uses hormone free milk and ice cream that they make themselves in Oklahoma. It's Okiefied and it's full of natural goodness. The only reason Braum's is a 4.9 and not a 5 is because it's not...

Casper's - That's right! Tommy makes the best shake in town. Tall. Good. Wonderful. Casper's might even use the cheap stuff but it's the way it's presented, over flowing like the burgers and chili, that makes the chocolate shake at Casper's top shelf. Their chocolate shakes are addictive, like heroin, and that's why Jerry Garcia, were he alive today and living in The Queen City, would be sipping a tall cool one while coming off a nod, at Casper's.

ap - 2008